


What The?!

by KILO151998



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Abuse of Jaken, Awkward questions, F/M, Hilarity, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'VE WRITTEN ANYMORE!!!, Koga's gay, OOCness, Parody, Random shit that makes you laugh, The Gods love to piss people off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 05:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1169247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KILO151998/pseuds/KILO151998
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Kagome dear, you're overreacting. Calm yourself," pleaded Goshinboku to the pissed off Miko. "HELL NO! I'M NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT... THAT... FLUFFY ICICLE!'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. OH MY GOD! A TALKING TREE!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I wrote this when I first started doing fanfiction, so there are going to be some grammatical errors, not a lot, but some! Hope you enjoy! Oh, and I do not own Inuyasha or any of its related characters and franchises.

**What The?!**

**OH MY GOD! A TALKING TREE!**

**Kagome P. O. V.**

**'OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT CLAY BITCH JUST MADE OUT WITH MY MAN!'**

I screamed in my mind as I ran from yet another Inu/Kik make out session, feeling for the first time in my life the need to kill something. Or seriously injure. I'm not picky.

The bad parts were it was like the middle of the friggin' day, we had stopped at Edo to rest and I saw them in the clearing housing the well. I stopped running when I reached Goshinboku, sitting on one of the gnarled roots close to the base of its trunk. "I always fel content around you, yas know," I say to the tree. "Awww, thank you dear I don't try," Answered Goshinboku. Me being who I am, I never expected the tree to talk back, so I did the only logical thing that came to mid. I screamed.

**"WHAT THE FUCK! A TALKING TREE! I MUST BE LOSING IT!"**

"Now dear, you're going to draw unwanted attention to yourself. Calm down," says Goshinboku soothingly. I take several deep breaths until I feel lightheaded and dizzy. "Now that you're calm I wish to speak with you on an important issue," says Goshinboku solemnly.

"Well talk," I say having no patience for the annoying old tree.

**3rd Person P. O. V.**

A tall figure clothed in white silk walked through Inuyasha's Forest, his small pack not far behind.

Turning a pointed ear to the east he winces at the noises being carried to him on the wind. 'Does that girl not know when to shut up?' he thinks. Continuing on he walks a little faster. He needed to speak with his half-breed brothers Miko. Now.

He glances at the prancing girl beind him before turning back to face the front.

**~At Goshinboku~**

"Kagome dear, you're overreacting. Calm yourself," pleaded Goshinboku to the pissed off Miko. **"HELL NO! I'M NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT... THAT... FLUFFY ICICLE!'**

Kagome stops, breathing heavily with her face flushed read from anger. "Kagome, it is the Kami that are willing this to happen. Blame them, not me," says Goshinboku matter-of-factly.

"We heard that!" came an irritated voice from the heavens above. Ignoring that comment she screams into the sky: **"WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FALL FOR PRINCE FLUFFY?!"** "Because," Answers the Kami,"We love pissing you off." With that said Kagome started screaming profanities at the sky.

Deciding it was time to emerge from his place in the trees Sesshomaru dropped from his perch, landing lightly on his feet in front of a cursing Kagome.

Finally giving up on screaming at the sky she comes face to face with Sesshomaru. Giving a cry of surprise, she promptly falls backwards.

She blinks once.

Twice.

Three times.

Getting back to her feet she whacks Sesshomaru up side the head with a rolled uup newspaper she always carries with her saying, "No, bad Fluffy, that's a very bad Fluffy." Eyebrow twitching in annoyance he watches the rest of her group step from behind some bushes, their laughter ringing around the forest, all there except Inuyasha.

Shrugging it off for now he focuses his attention on the Miko, keeping one eye on her green skirt as it's blown by a slight breeze. Keeping his cool he says, "Miko, I wish to speak with you." Seeing her confused look he adds, "It is about Rin." A worried look appearing on her face, she grabs Shippo and her bag before going to stand beside the western lord.

"Take me to Rin," she says, Inuyasha stumbling in at that moment to watch in horror as his brother places his arm around Kagome's waist.


	2. Rin's Awkward Question

**Rin's Awkward Question**

**Sesshomaru P. O. V.**

I slipped my arm around Kagome's waist just as my wretched brother stumbled out of the trees, shock and horror written on his face.

I inwardly smirk at the pathetic look on his face. Kagome no longer loves him, he has broken her heart one time too many always running to his clay whore like a lost puppy. I tighten my hold on the girls waist and turn, throwing over my shoulder as I leave, "Well Inuyasha, you were too slow with this one." He sputters like a fool until I am no longer within hearing range. When we are half way to the rest of my pack Kagome speaks.

"Sesshomaru-Sama?" she asks. "Hn?" **"WILL YOU GET YOUR GOD DAMN ARM FROM AROUND MY WAIST?!"** She yells in my ear.

I wince slightly at the tone of her voice and remove my arm, keeping my hand on the small of her back. I've seen her trip over absolutely nothing. After another ten minutes of walking we reach the clearing I left my pack in, Rin picking every flower in the field, Ah-Un grazing and Jaken grumbling to himself about Kami knows what. Feeling a tug on my sleeve I look down at Kagome. I raise and eyebrow in silent question. "Would it be okay if I hurt Jaken? I have some... Frustrations to release," She says with an evil smirk.

I nod. "After you have spoken with Rin." She nods and walks to the little girl.

**Kagome P. O. V.**

I make my way to the little girl picking flowers like they're goin' out of style. When I reach her I place my right hand on her head to get her attention. She jumps, startled then turns to face me, smiling brighter than the sun. "Kagome-Chan!" Rin exclaims happily.

I bend down and hug the little girl. When I release her, her smile, if at all possible, was even bigger. "Kagome-Chan, can I ask you a question?" asks Rin excitedly. "Of course, ask away," I say with a smile. Rin looks down for a moment before looking me squarely in the eyes asking, "Where do babies come from?"

I look at the girl in shock, heat entering my cheeks at her innocent question. Slowly, I turn back to Sesshomaru to see his hand over his mouth and his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. 'ARGH! That Fluffy jerk! I bet he set this up just to laugh at me. He is SO gonna pay. His disgusting toad-imp-thingamajig too. What is Jaken anyway? Nevermind, that's off topic. Back to reality.' I flash Sesshomaru my best evil smile before I turn back to Rin.

"Rin, how old are you?" I asked. "I am 10 summers now," She says with a hint of pride in her voice. 'Oh Ptoohy! She's too young. And I was gonna enjoy this too. Oh well, I can still beat up Jaken,' I think.

"Sorry Rin, you're too young. Maybe when you're older," I say to the cheerful girl. "Okay," she says, going back to picking flowers.

Rising I stalk up to Sesshy and stick my nose in his face. My lips are an inch from his when I stop, his hot breath ghosting over my lips. "Now that I spoke with Rin, can I cause Jaken pain?" I ask him, my lips barely brushing his. "Do as you wish," he replies, nibbling on my bottom lip.

I pull away from him and head over to Jaken, one thought running through my mind. 'I'm gonna enjoy this!'


	3. Oooo, Jaken's gonna get it!

**Sesshomaru P. O. V.**

I look on in amusement as the strange Miko stalks towards my retainer, her aura reflecting: I-really-need-to-hurt-something and her cerulean eyes glinting evilly. I move to a better area to enhance my view of the show about to take place.

When she reaches the imp-toad-thing she drops to his level and looks him straight in his ugly eyes, saying in a sing-song voice, "Ohhhh Jaken, do you wanna play?" "Filthy human! How dar-." Before Jaken could finish his sentence Kagome had silenced him with a bop to the head. Tugging the staff of two heads from his grasp, she stares at it for a long while before deciding it wasn't worth her time and throwing it as far into the forest as she can.

I take a seat at the base of a tree and make myself more comfortable as I watch the show. 'Maybe I should keep this girl around.'

**3rd Person P. O. V.**

Kagome, after throwing the staff deep into the surrounding forest, starts to kick the poor toad thingy until it loses conciousness, blue swirls appearing in his eyes like in every good anime except this is in writing.

Satisfied with her work she walks back to the waiting figure that is Sesshomaru, taking a seat on the grass in front of him. They lapse into a silence broken only by the shouts of laughter from the children. Clearing her throat Kagome asks, "Lord Sesshomaru?" He answers with his trademark 'hn.' Taking on her best fake serious voice she continues. "You wouldn't happen to be... gay, would you?"


	4. Sesshy-Sama, are you gay?

**Sesshomaru P. O. V.**

'What?! How dare that human question my masculinity! She will need to be taught a lesson."

"Well Sesshy-poo, are you or aren't you?!" questions an impatient Kagome. I flash Kagome an evil grin then pounce, rolling us until I'm hovering over her. She 'eeps' and tries to scramble away but I pin her beneath me. "Sesshy-Kun, what are you doing?" "You dared to challenge my masculinity therefore you must be taught a lesson, Kagome," I purr to the pink cheeked Miko. I growl when she tries to scramble away once more, leaning down and capturing her lips with my own. She tries to push me away but eventually gives in and kisses me back, her lips soft and sweet.

The scent of her arousal hits my nose and I snap out of what ever trance I was in. 'Grrrr, one day with this Miko and I'm acting out of character.'

I remove myself from her immediately and head to a tree, taking a seat a the base of the trunk.

**Kagome P. O. V.**

'What the fuck just happened?! Did Sesshomaru just do that?! Stupid Kami!' "We can read your thoughts you know!" Screamed one of the Kami. "Don't make me send Benten and Aizen-Myoo down there!"

**"GO AHEAD! YOU CAN ALL COME DOWN BUT I WON'T FALL FOR FLUFFY-KUN!"** I scream back.

I look to Sesshomaru to see an amused expression plastered to his noramally stoic face, his molten eyes dancing with mirth. The Kami sighed. "Have it your way, but just for your remarks I'm sending down Cupid too." 'No! Not Cupid, anything but Cupid!' I think in a panic, a picture of the smug, winged baby popping into mind.

Before I can blink three figures are standing in front of me... Well, one floating and two standing, evil smirks on all of their faces.

I back away as they start to come towards me, Cupid aiming his bow notched with an arrow of pure gold. Aizen-Myoo looks back at Sesshomaru and is by his side in an instant, whispering something in his ear. Sesshomaru smiles and stands, walking to me at a slow pace, moving to stand behind me. His arm wraps around me from behind, turning me so that I have no choice but to face him.

I hear Cupid pull back the bow string, the 'whoosh' as the arrow flys through the air and feel the pain as it pierces my back, Sesshomaru coming into a new light.


	5. KAGOME LOVES FLUFFY!

**Sesshomaru P. O. V.**

Kagome's eyes light up as the arrow embeds itself in her back, a smile coming to her lips as her blue pools stare into my molten gold. I grasp the arrow still embedded in her back, pulling it out and throwing it back to its owner.

I look at Cupid to see him aiming his bow at me. I sigh. 'Why must the Kami be so cruel?'

I look to the sky when a booming voice answers, "We aren't cruel, we just enjoy pissing certain people off. You happen to be included on the list." I glare at the sky until I hear the arrow 'whooshing' through the air and feel it striking my only arm.

**3rd Person P. O. V.**

Sesshomaru looks at Kagome cradled in his single arm, a bright smile on her face as she tugs the arrow out of his flesh.

They continue to stare into each others eyes as Sesshomaru begins a slow trek into the cover of the trees. Aizen-Myoo and Benten's eyes widen then, realization shining in their depths. "Benten, how old is Kagome?" asks Aizen-Myoo. "15, Aizen, 15." "Oh shit!" they say in unison.

**-Meanwhile at Naraku's Castle-**

**"WHAT THE FUCK?!"**

Screams a totally freaked out Naraku as he gazes into Kanna's Mirror. **"KAGOME LOVES FLUFFY?! FUCK YEAH I'M GONNA GO VISIT EM'!"** And so the spider hanyou took off, leaving behind a stunned Kagura, giggling Kohaku and strangely smiling Kanna so he could free himself of the clay bitches evil spell. I mean seriously, Naraku's just about as evil as a banana doing an Irish jig.

**-Back with Fluffy-Kun and Kag-Chan-**

Smiling against her lips Sesshy backs Kagome into a tree but, before they could go any farther, Naraku appeared in a cloud of strangely harmless miasma.

Growling Sesshomaru pulled away from Kagome to face Naraku, scowl in place on his normally stoic face (haha, that rhymed). "I am not here to fight," said Naraku in a pleading tone, "I need your help, while the clay bitch is distracted. I need you, Kagome to purify the spell she placed upon me, please."

While this is going on Kagome's thinking, "Why hasn't the sun gone down? It's past 24 hours already.'

Shaking her head she manages to catch the end of Naraku's question. She sighs. "Dude, why should I believe you? You've tried to kill my friends and I countless times." Naraku takes a step back looking sad. "Please, just look into my eyes and you will see the truth," he says in a last ditch attempt to get rid of the clay bitches evil spell.

Kagome does and gasps at what she sees. His eyes, his usually red eyes, are blue.

"Oh Naraku, come here I'll purify the spell." Smiling, Naraku steps up to her and allows her to place a finger on his forehead. Sighing happily as he feels the last traces of the spell leave him, he leans over and gives Kagome a hug. "Thank you, thank you. I am forever in your debt," he says happily.

She hugs her once enemy back but quickly lets go once she catches sight of Sesshy-Kuns face.

"Take care, Naraku," says Kagome with a smile. "Be sure to kill the clay whore if you can." Naraku nods and waves goodbye, swirling on the winds back to his castle.

Turning back to Sesshomaru she says, "Now, where were we?" her voice coming out in a seductive purr.


	6. KOGA'S WHAT!

**3rd Person P. O. V.**

**-With Inu-Tachi-**

They had been walking for an hour in the direction Sesshomaru had taken Kagome and Shippo, questions weighing heavilly on their brains.

Sighing they continued their trek and for 10 minutes all was peaceful, untillllll...

**"SESSHOMARU. OH KAMI, YES!"**

They all flinched at the sound of the passion filled scream, all holding in laughter when they realized who had done it.

Snickering behind his hand Miroku said, "It would seem our Lady Kagome has caught the... attentions of Inuyasha's older brother." With that said they all broke into laughs, Inuyasha rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes. When Inuyasha calmed enough to speak the first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't think he had it in him. In fact, I was almost certain he was gay!"

As their laughter calmed to mere giggles a small tornado came speeding into their midst depositing the wolf prince, Koga. "Yo Muttface, where's my woman?!" Koga said, casting a longing glance at Inuyasha, a glance that was not missed by a certain hentai Monk.

Smiling lecherously he nudged Sango gently in the ribs pointing first at Koga then Inuyasha, thrusting his hips outward. Sango giggled and nodded, catching on to what Miroku was implying.

Inuyasha didn't miss the look the wolf gave him, nor did he miss the subtle scent of arousal and the rising lump in Koga's man-skirt. A thoughtful look entered the brash hanyous face and he smiled evilly at Koga. Making up his mind Inuyasha opened his mouth and yelled, **"HEY! KAGOME, SESSHOMARU! KOGA'S GAY!" "KOGA'S** **WHAT?!"** Screamed Kagome, still in the throes of passion. **"OH, SESSHOMARU! FASTER, HARDER!"**

Miroku smiled lecherously once more when he heard Kagome's screamed pleas, glancing at Sango to see a smile on her face as well.

**-Kag-Chan and Fluffy-Kun-**

Kagome sat up as soon as Sesshomaru moved off of her, his member still erect but nothing his hakama wouldn't hide.

As he finished pulling on his hakama and boots he handed her his haori. Probably should have watched his claws. When they were presentable Kagome grabbed his hand and practically dragged him from the forest back to the clearing where the gods, goddesses and her friends waited.

"Woah. Why are more of the Greek Gods here?"asks Kagome. Looking around the clearing she spots; Zeus, Athena, Ares and so many others. Zeus stood and spoke. "we are here because we heard Koga was gay and wanted to have a laugh."

She stared at them all with a blank look on her face.

 **"WHAT THE FUCK?! KOGA'S GAY! AHAHAHA!"** She bursts into laughter.

Everyone stares at her, stunned and with their mouths forming an 'o'. Well, everyone except Sesshomaru. Ya know, Killing Perfection and what not. When she was done with that episode she said, "Well, I guess it was a pursuit of Inuyasha instead of me huh, Koga?"

At her words Koga turns beet red and starts stammering lke an idiot. Kagome only laughs and sends him on his merry way, his now braided ponytail trussed up with flowers.


	7. I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T!

**Kagome P. O. V.**

I stared at the sky after the sun had finally gone down, the stars twinkling with their bright light. To my left sat Sesshomaru, the fingers of his only hand entertwined with mine. A smirk comes to my face as I stare at the sky and yell, **"YO KAMI! I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T FALL FOR FLUFFY-KUN!"**

"Oh really?" says one of the Kami. "Did you happen to notice who you're holding hands with?" "Oh, I noticed. But it was not I who fell for you used that wretched Baby on me!" "Oh shit!" exclaims another one of the Kami. "She's correct."

"Thanks though. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have my Fluffy-Wuffy!" I exclaim happily, snickering as my demon lover growls at the nickname. "Oh shove a sock in it, Sesshomaru. You know you like it when I call you Fluffy-Wuffy." He sighs and kisses my cheek causing me to giggle. We walk back to camp hand in hand, but not before I scream at the sky in triumph, **"I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T!"**


	8. The Clay Bitch Dies!

**Naraku P. O. V.**

It was night fall when I arrived back at my castle, my former servents standing attention at the entrance with someone bound in rope at their feet. I smile warmly at them and walk up to the person they had thought to bind.

Red and white enter my vision when I'm close enough to see and I know, it's the Clay Bitch. She smirks evilly at me when I kneel to her level. "Well Kikyo, can't say I'm happy to see you but I can say I'm happy you're tied up. Are you ready to die?" I say to the pathetic excuse of a Priestess. Her smirk widens and she shakes her head like a child. "No. I know you can't kill me, you couldn't the first time so I know you can't now!" she says with ferver.

"What ever you say, Bitch!" her expression turns sour at my words and she spits on my shoes. "I may not be able to kill you but I know someone who can!" "And who might that be?" she asks with malice in her voice. "BARNEY!" Her already pale face gets paler when I mention the purple dinosaur. "You wouldn't!" she says in desperation. "but oh my _dear_ Kikyo, I would. You can come out now Barney," I yell into my castle. At my words a purple and green dinosaur waddles out of my front gate right up to where Kikyo lay. "Sing the song, Please," I say to Barney.

"Alrighty then," he says in a strange voice.

_"I love you, you love me_

_we're a happy family_

_with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you_

_won't you say you love me too._

Before the song even ended Kikyo was dead, killed by the wretched Barney theme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kim: This is my Barney hate song:   
> I hate you  
> you hate me  
> lets get together and kill Barney  
> With a knife through the heart   
> And a bullet to the head  
> 1, 2, 3 and Barney's dead!  
> Review please, they make me happy!


End file.
